Right. I'll try my hand at this one then :-D. I was originaly intent on doing MRFLIBBLE's story, but I don't want to fall behind on this one too :-D. Revelations. -> NO FULL STOPS IN TITLES!!! Thanks to Gynothos and Khazar, we know had the blueprints for battleships, frigates and transports. -> now (sloppy!!!!) ut now he also had to weight lift with rocks and run around the island to increase his strength and condition. -> weightlift (or weight-lift), without the 'with'. During this time, the standardized Greek blueprints for the ships were also modified by the Japanese whom proceeded to make their own types of ships as well. -> who, not whom (and I should damn well know, I have a test on the relatives tomorrow...) when we had decided to leave when spring started. However, when February started -> Creative wordplay? I think not! The Sunblades, which had been divided in three different armies, all trained to increase their might even more. -> '...were all trained to...'? and divided into Although the Egyptian army of Sunblades wouldn’t go with us, they trained as much as possible, leaving the men near exhaustion. -> near to exhaustion or nearly exhausted The Japanese and the Greek Sunblades trained even more, practicing their skills day and night, fighting small skirmishes against each other in order to improve and hardly seemed to sleep, making me worry about them more often than not. -> ... improve, and hardly seemed to... The amount of times that you use 'in order to' worries me . Finally, when the month April had just started -> again, the creativity startles me! but being too large to be transported over the vast oceans -> remove the being So… You’re scouts have reported a fleet amassing at the conquered isle -> use a comma in favour of that ellipsis please . and it's your, not you're That is because they are planning that! -> I cringed too when I read that... Maybe try a 'just' before the second that? If you know that they are planning that -> it becomes old quickly, you know? ‘Perhaps you see the Doomlord as an enemy?’ The other god said. -> the, not The, the Lethys screamed -> creativity? When they come to close to our homeland, strike. -> too close ‘As you say.’ -> comma there, no full stop thinking of something which bothered him… -> something that bothered him, and stop using the ellipsis like that :-D. Gynothos’ floated above it in god form. -> parenthesis? They were several other gods on the island as well -> There were... Navalus and Oceanus prepare the Norse fleets. -> prepared thinking about the naval battle which would soon come. -> thinking about the soon to come naval battle . The gods were silent however, -> silent, however, 'Aye.’ Navalus answered. -> 'Aye,' ... ‘I’d rather not find out.’ Oceanus said -> '... find out,' ... Then, Oceanus pointed at the horizon. -> you don't need to have a comma after then, it looks ridiculous :-D. ‘Very well.’ I said -> no full stop, commas please! (check the Punctuation of Dialogue' thread again, Solar :-() ‘I’ll go and check it myself.’ I said -> idem ditto ‘We’re going through the fog.’ I immediately said. -> ditto Some were anxious; others were calm or even eager. -> consider semi-colon use (feels like an ordinary spell checker...) Not that they could see a lot. Even their godly sight could penetrate the mist. -> 'couldn't', maybe? One day, I was in my cabin and meditating. -> drop the 'and' into a strange lethargy, and finally asleep. -> a sleep, not just asleep I didn’t know how I knew it. -> you can leave the 'it', it's only disturbing Nemesis was going to Eden -> it would be better to say 'Nemesis had come to Eden.' or 'Nemesis arrived in Eden.', the way it is now sounds like he still has to come... I like the dreamy part . A successful chapter :-). Don't make us wait too long for the next one, will you?

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Bathing in eternal sunlight...

{Sig Made By SenileSkunk!}

Where do you come up with Navalius and Oceanus....

What? That's all you have to say

Solar, Ever thought of ending the story. Lol I'm only joking. Solar, i know it must be a long story but when u finished it u could publish it, because it is really good better than some of the stories I read.

He's got a point This could make you some god money. But of course, many many people won't know what Eden and all of it's gods and all that are about. But then again, this story might inspire them to get the game and since LH is earning all this money...BW3!!!

Well, you could add a paragraph at the start saying what eden is and what happens. However, this could prove a good advertising story for lionhead and maybe they will have enough money of sales that bw3 is better than legendary

Well, I don't think it'd sell all that well. Besides, it isn't as good as it could have been. That's what you get with a first attempt. Perhaps I will, but don't bet on it. I didn't write this story to make profit either. But we'll see. Now, on the topic of the story: I know I promised the chapter would come quickly, and I know I'm a sinner. But before now, I still haven't had the time, a proper connection to my internet and some people on MSN online. I have some questions when it comes to grammar and spelling, and the few times those who I could bother about it are online, I don't have the time to spare. Furthermore, I have 2 exams this weeks (did another one today: ICT), so I haven't got a lot of time to spare. I'll try to get the new chapter up this week though. When I finally get to the correcting it won't take me long to post the chapter, as it has been finished quite a while ago. So just be patient for a short while longer.

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It's Been So Long!!!!!!! Just Correct It For Crying Out Loud!!!!

Remind me never to make promises again; I tend to break them. Pretty much kept the chapter back, mainly because I haven't felt interested in this story for a while. That's the main reason why I'm working on another project now. With a bit of luck, I'll gain enough inspiration again to continue this story. Still, I'd better post this chapter now instead of waiting for ages more. I don't doubt that Ammy will find countless errors again *cringes*, but perhaps I'm lucky and I didn't make a load of abyssmal mistakes this time. This is for you, Onyxman! See this chapter as a humble apology. Chapter 29: The unexpected attack. Somewhat shaken by the dream, I found it hard to concentrate myself the following days. Occasionally, I’d bump into somebody or fail to notice somebody talking to me. The two spirits of my conscience weren’t helping things either, constantly bickering and offering useless advice, distracting me even more. I was quite sure that randomly healing people wouldn’t help me. Demon’s advice was even more annoying than Beardy’s. Constantly having the evil part of your conscience popping into sight and urging me to do random evil acts didn’t really help either. ‘Burn him, boss!’ Was one of the things he said once while trying to help me out. ‘He deserves it! Trust me, burning people to a crisp really helps you when you’re trying to regain your focus!’ Khazar and Irlana were also worried about me, although I sincerely doubted whether Irlana’s numerous visits were there just because she was worried about me, if you catch my drift. I didn’t hear the voice over the course of the following days. I couldn’t forget what it had said though. I repeated it in my head constantly, to the annoyance of the two spirits of my conscience, who didn’t have a clue what I was thinking about. This also surprised me. Usually, they knew exactly what I was thinking. Were they acting like they didn’t know? Then again, they seemed sincere, and I don’t think Demon would’ve been able to contain himself had he known of the dream. ‘Return to Eden. Feel it once more. And when you do so, remember what’s within you, and what you are.’ That was what the voice had said. But I couldn’t immediately think of anything special about myself. It was like my mind was blank. I knew the answer must have been very simple, but still… Just outside of the mist banks, nearer to the Northern Continent, a bird was sitting on what seemed to be a rock in the middle of the sea. It was the seagull which had flown above the fleet earlier. Alertly, it looked into the distance, where he thought he saw something. And his keen eyes saw something indeed. Then he heard a voice in his head. For several moments, he sat there silently. Then he spread his wings and took off into the skies, flying back into the fog. He had been given an order, and he would follow it. As he disappeared from sight, the rock on which he had sat disappeared beneath the surface of the cold seas. Perhaps that rock was something else… And something far more sinister. Muttering under his breath, Achack entered my cabin. He was soaked to the bone, and it was as if he had fallen into the water. Or into beer. I recalled the scene in which a young soldier had fallen into a barrel of the liquid when a freak wave had hit the ship, and was unable to suppress a grin. ‘Fell into the sea, Achack?’ The captain of the Sunblades scowled at me. ‘I wish it had been that. But it’s far worse.’ ‘A barrel of beer?’ I asked with a broad smile. ‘That too would’ve been preferable. Now, if you had been paying any attention to your surroundings, you might have noticed the rain.’ I looked out of the single window in the cabin, and for the first time noticed the howling winds, the curtain of water made by the rain, and the struggling ships. I hoped none would face severe damage. Having damaged ships even before the battle began would severely reduce our chances of success. ‘How are the other ships holding up?’ I asked Achack. Many of the lighter ones are having trouble,’ Achack answered, ‘but they’re still sailing. As long as we don’t get a thunderstorm, we should be fine.’ As if to mock the Greek, rumbling thunder was heard immediately after he had said it. He swore loudly, and I learned a new (although rather rude) word. ‘Relax a little,’ as I leaned backwards. ‘We’ll get through this. Trust me.’ ‘With all due respect, but we’re out in the open. The biggest things out here are our ships. What do you think will be the first object in this godforsaken place that will be hit? A ship, that’s what. And if the storm lasts too long…’ He didn’t finish his sentence. He doubtlessly did so to create a dramatic effect, at which he would have succeeded, had he not sneezed loudly right after he had said it. Still, he had made a point. The ships were unprotected and out in the open. We could not risk any damage. However, it would not be simple to shield the entire fleet from harm, and lightning brought forth by nature’s power was far more powerful than the average lightning bolt. I remember how in the past, heavily shielded buildings could still get hit; the lightning went straight through the shields, although it was weakened. A flash lit up the room, and in that moment I decided to do something about it. I rose from my seat and strode past Achack. I walked up to the deck, noticing more men below deck than usual. I frowned slightly, and continued onwards. The last corridor was rather wet, with entire pools of water on the floor. I looked behind me, and saw Achack standing there, looking cautiously at the door as if it’d open any moment now, after which some monster would rush in. With another a frown, I grabbed the doorknob and saw Achack dive away. For a moment, I was startled. Then I laughed loudly. Turning back to the door, I opened it. Moments later, I wished I hadn’t done it. The moment the door swung open, fierce winds nearly swept me of my feet. In less than a second, I was drenched in water. I tried to stagger out into the open, but before I could even make a single step, a particularly fierce wind blew past the ship, and the door slammed shut. Since I had been rather unstable since the door had opened, I could not hold my ground and was thrown backwards, holding my nose. If I hadn’t been a god, I was certain it would have broken. Even as it was, the door had a hole in it now. After rubbing my nose for several seconds I rose to my feet again. I heard somebody s******ing behind me, but when I turned around, only Achack was there with a straight face. I think his face hadn’t been so straight moments before though. Resisting the urge to throw a water miracle at him, I prepared for my second attempt to get out into the storm. Once more I grabbed the doorknob, and after taking a deep breath I opened the door. I stepped forward, trying to keep my balance and blinded by the rain, when somebody collided with me. Again I fell back, and the door slammed shut. Annoyed, I looked at the person who had landed on top of me. ‘Oh… Hi.’ I said lamely. ‘Err… I thought I should warn you that there was a storm going on…’ Irlana said, turning pink. ‘I just noticed.’ I said, feeling the blood rushing to my face. ‘Err… Could you get off me?’ Blushing deeply, she stood up quickly after which I got to my feet. Once again, I heard somebody s******ing behind me, and this time I did throw a water miracle. After I had heard a loud splash and a surprised cry, I gave Irlana a naughty grin, and turned back to the door again. I was about to open it, before I changed my mind. Instead, I gestured at Irlana to step out of the way and then opened the door, hiding behind it. And like I had guessed, another person fell in. Closing the door, I looked down with a broad smile. ‘Hello, Ciryatan! Also came to warn me about the weather?’ Embarrassed, he started to say something, but I interrupted him. ‘Is Khazar coming as well?’ ‘No, not as far as I know. He was going to create a shield over the armada.’ ‘Alright then. I suppose we can go out safely now.’ Cautiously, I opened the door. Nothing was coming in my direction, so I decided to risk it. I crept out, looking around alertly, if not paranoid. When I was certain nothing was going to collide with me, I changed into my god-form. Immediately I felt the menacing presence again, stronger than ever before. I looked around, and saw Khazar floating high above us. I flew to him, suddenly feeling anxious. He immediately noticed me, and before I could say anything, he said: ‘There’s something out here. I don’t know what, and I can’t try to find out either. Right now, I’m preparing myself to create the shield, but for a mobile shield of this size, I’ll need some time. Until then, the armada will be vulnerable.’ His voice dropped to a whisper, making it even harder to hear over the howling winds. ‘We are going to be attacked, here and now. Prepare the men for battle.’ ‘Is it the enemy?’ I said, dreading the answer. ‘Yes… But it’s not the fleet. Be wary!’ Asking no more questions, I flew down to the other two gods, who had just changed to their god forms. They looked up at me expectantly, waiting for me to tell them what to do. I didn’t disappoint them. ‘Warn the men. I fear we are about to face an attack very soon, although I don’t know who, or what, is going to be our opponent. Prepare for battle, and keep your eyes open.’ As they left, I listened intently. Did I hear the beating of wings? Was it the howling winds, or the cry of some animal I was hearing right now? And was that a cloud or something else up there? At the same time, I felt something different… There was another threat too, it seemed. I saw the men grab their weapons and armour, and stumble on the deck, struggling against the howling winds. Then I heard it clearly; the cry of a bird. ‘Get your bows! The attacker is coming from above! Irlana and Ciryatan, prepare yourselves! Don’t use lighting miracles! You’ll only electrocute the wrong people!’ Upon hearing this, the two gods seemed to be uncertain what to use. I knew what I’d use; fireballs for short range third degree burns, and the water miracle to bat any opponents out of the sky. For minutes, nothing could be seen in the skies. Then, without a warning, something crashed down on one of the ships at the side of the fleet. I quickly turned into the direction of the sound, and gasped as I saw a gigantic seagull fly up, still holding some shattered wood in his talons. The ship which he had attacked was sinking fast, broken to pieces. I charged up a water miracle when I heard the rumbling of thunder. It was followed nearly immediately by a flash of the light, and for a moment, I saw the creature. Its wings were black and looked like they were diseased and withering away. The talons were long and curved; the excellent killing weapons. The beak was bloody and sharp and the eyes looked like they were dead. Thus, I beheld Oceanus’ creature for the first time. Not wasting any more time, I chucked the water miracle at the creature, which evaded it with apparent ease. Right when I started charging up another miracle, I heard the cries of some Japanese sailors. I looked down, and saw how long slimy tentacles had taken hold of a ship beneath me. Before I could do anything, the ship was crushed by them, and the remains were pulled beneath the surface of the sea. ‘There are two of them!’ I boomed over the storm. ‘Irlana and Ciryatan! Find a way to stop that… That… That thing under the water! I’ll deal with bird!’ Turning back to the seagull, I saw how he broke another ship to pieces with those sharp talons of him. I aimed carefully and threw another water miracle. The bird was paying attention however, and easily dodged it. I swore loudly, and charged up a fireball to cause some serious damage. Beardy popped up, shock evident on his face. ‘Leader, you can’t throw that fireball!’ ‘What should I do then? Eat it and let that beast destroy half of the fleet in the meantime?’ I asked sarcastically. ‘Sure, sounds great!’ Demon popped up, laughing loudly. ‘That was brilliant, boss! Go on! Toss!’ Beardy wasn’t giving up yet though. ‘Don’t throw it, leader!’ ‘Give me one good reason, Beardy.’ I said, while aiming. ‘One good reason?’ He said, flaring up. ‘What about that if you miss you kill your own allies? Is that good enough for you?’ He had a point there. I followed the movements of the creature as he flew upwards again, so that he could crash down and wreck even more damage. ‘Oh, who cares about the mortals?!’ Demon burst out. ‘Who cares if some die? It’s for a greater good, boss! If we can kill that creature, then -’ ‘Shut up,’ I shot at him, feeling more than just a little annoyed. ‘I’m not going to throw this fireball from this distance.’ Beardy looked relieved, and Demon looked crestfallen. I wasn’t done yet though. ‘Indeed, I’m not going to throw it from this place,’ I said as I shot forward, right after the seagull, which dove down. ‘I’m going to drop it on him personally.’ In the meantime, Irlana and Ciryatan were figuring out how to deal with what seemed to be a giant octopus, which was currently dragging down yet another ship. Irlana charged up a fireball, hoping the wounds she might cause with it would be enough to drive the monster off. Ciryatan took a different approach. After looking around, he carefully took a loaded ballista in his godly hand. As the men anxiously prepared their bows, they awaited another attack. Arelius was the captain of one of the Japanese ships in the fleet. He was known to be a fearless seafarer, but even he felt uneasy. With an arrow on his bow, he patiently waited, hoping his ship wouldn’t be targeted. The he saw it coming up: the thing he had dreaded so much rose high above the waters and towered above him. A tentacle of the monster. Hoarsely, he cried: ‘Fire!’ But even as the men released their arrows and the ballistae launched their javelins, several tentacles came from the other side of the ship and swept many of the sailors off their feet, and into the sea. With a loud cracking sound, the mast was broken in two, and Arelius had to dive away in order to save himself from being crushed. He heard an explosion above him and looked up. A fireball had hit the tentacle they had first spotted, and the already bloody arm fell down. He heard the rumbling of the monster, which was in agony. The captain cheered as he heard how the monster suffered, even though he had little to cheer for. Most of his men were dead already, and the ship was wrecked. Soon it would sink, taking the captain with him. Realising this, Arelius ran to the highest point of the ship, hoping to stay above the water as long as possible. But before he could even run up the stairs leading to the upper deck, a tentacle came down and grabbed the man. With a cry of fear, Arelius tried to unsheathe his sword, but he was too late. With a crashing sound, he hit the water, and was pulled beneath the surface. For a moment, he saw the face of the creature. He tried to scream, but only water rushed into his mouth. Before he could even say a prayer to his god, he was moved to the mouth, to be eaten alive… Irlana charged up another fireball, panicking slightly. How were they going to kill a creature lurking beneath the waters? She looked around wildly, and saw Ciryatan, hovering above the wreck silently. ‘Do something!’ She screamed at him. He merely gestured her to be patient. Intently, he looked at the dark patch beneath him, and followed it’s movements as it went to another ship… I hardly heard the screams of the dieing sailors over the sound of wood being crushed. The creature had destroyed another ship, and was flying up yet again. Unknowingly, straight to me. Hovering above the monstrosity, I was charging up the fireball more and more, whilst trying to keep it as compact as possible. I grinned as the bird looked around, trying to find me, and beat his wings once more, coming even nearer. Launching myself to the bird, I swung back my hand back, and then forward. The bird noticed me that very moment, and tried to evade the miracle soaring towards him… But he was too slow. With a tremendous explosion, the fireball and the creature collided. Lasting seconds, a true inferno raged on the back of the bird. I smelt burning flesh and feathers, and grinned nastily as the creature fell back to the wreckage he had left behind, trying hard to stay up in the skies. It hit it hard, and felt beams of wood penetrate his burning flesh. Crying in agony, it tried to fly up again. For a moment, I was torn between two choices. Or I could let him struggle and possibly flee in the end, or I could deal with him totally… Casting a forbidden miracle. ‘Don’t do it, leader! That miracle is pure evil!’ Beardy and Demon had popped up, with the former looking appalled, and the latter looking as though his birthday had come early. ‘Oh shut up, you ancient coot! We can’t risk him getting in the skies again and doing more damage!’ ‘But the Doomlord can sense these miracles! We can’t use it!’ ‘He’ll hear about us soon enough at any rate. Do you think that Lethys, that pathetic excuse of a god isn’t going to grovel for help at his door the moment we arrive?’ Demon shouted at him. ‘But – Leader, no!’ Beardy cried out. He was too late. Already, we could hear the sound of something coming down at an extreme speed. And indeed, moments later, a megablast soared right past us and smote the seagull. For less than a second, a cry echoed over the storm, and then he was pushed beneath the surface. ‘I had no choice.’ I said flatly to Beardy, who had buried his face in his hands. ‘He was charging up a fireball in his beak, and I couldn’t risk -’ ‘Alright! Rock an’ Roll, baby! You show them! Power to the -’ ‘Get lost!’ I snarled at Demon, who disappeared while dancing the Macarena. ‘Now that he’s gone,’ I said, turning back to Beardy, who was silently crying, ‘we can try to deal with the creature below the surface. Any -’ I was interrupted by a loud roar and turned my gaze to the spot where the creature had been last time I had spotted him, just to see his tentacles disappear beneath the surface as he sped away, leaving a trail of blood behind him. ‘Well… It does seem like that matter has been settled already…’ Indeed it had. For shortly before I had dealt with the seagull, the octopus had started another attack on a ship. This time, however, he had made a grave error: his head had come above the surface. He roared in pain as the fireball that Irlana had thrown at him hit its target, but ignored the arrows which hit him, as they felt like mere needles. However, he hadn’t noticed Ciryatan, who had flown nearer, and then fired a javelin with the ballista he had held in his godly hand. A javelin launched by a ballista is far more powerful than an arrow, and when fired from close range, it’s an even more formidable weapon. The creature noticed the same thing when the javelin easily penetrated his thick hide, and came far nearer to his brain than was comfortable. Deciding not to risk his life any longer, he had fled, in order to warn his god of their failure and of the demise of the seagull. We gathered above the Leviathan, feeling relieved we had won the battle. We heard the rumbling of thunder, and realised the threat wasn’t taken care of yet. There was still the lightning. And sure enough, we saw a lightning bolt coming down that very second. Each of us created a shield miracle over the Leviathan, narrowly saving it from being hit. We lowered the shields again, in order to preserve energy, and looked at Khazar. The winds were now swirling around him, and their reach was slowly spreading. Before long, the shield protected the entire armada, with the winds keeping not only the lightning but also the rain and fierce winds out. As the men cheered, I flew to Khazar. ‘How long can you hold the shield together?’ ‘For long enough, I hope.’ He said with a smile. ‘Still, I’d like it if you can occasionally transfer some mana to me.’ ‘Will do.’ I said with a broad grin. It seemed the journey would be quite a bit more pleasant for a while… The storm raged on for several more hours, and then subsided. The clouds broke apart, and for the first time in days, we saw the sun again. The shield was taken down, and to increase our speed, we used the wind miracle. Over the course of several days, we exited the dense fog, and finally found ourselves on open sea. With our spirits rising more as we travelled onwards, we prepared ourselves for battle. One enemy creature had been taken down, and the other one was wounded mortally. We would prevail. We had to prevail. Far away, in the heart of the Aztec lands, the Doomlord was sitting on his dark throne. It seemed to have withered away, like so much did when he touched it. He had felt the megablast, and knew where I now was. In fact, it had distracted him while he was busy with one of his favourite pastimes, which was hunting down random mortals in a maze he had constructed for it. To his annoyance, the mortal had been able to escape moments before he was able to kill him, and was now hiding somewhere in the capital. But that didn’t matter in the end. Now he knew he had been right; I had gone to the Norse lands first. This was all going according to his plan. He would enjoy playing around quite a lot… He called in the guards, and ordered them to fetch another mortal. They bowed and left swiftly, trying to ignore the silent shape in the corner. The Doomlord glanced at person, who was standing there as though he was a statue. The Doomlord did not really like to have him near, but perhaps he could be useful in the end. Like every time he looked at him, he saw the black sword, which was glowing faintly. It had a cruel curve and emanated corruption and evil. Yes… This one could be useful indeed… The sun rose slowly and was blood red. The wise and the old often said that this was an ill omen. Battle would come, blood would be shed. And this proved to be true this day, for a horn was blown. And after the first, many more followed. The sailors of our armada armed themselves and rushed to the decks of their ships. Ballistae were manned and catapults were loaded. The other gods and I came out into the open, silently watching the horizon. For there, just over the horizon, the masts of many ships could be seen. Held above the highest mast was a banner, which depicted a helmet with two horns with two blades beneath it, which crossed each other. The time for peace had passed. The time for war was upon us.

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Bravo. I noticed 3 mistakes. 2 of them were st********ing and another was "ten" instead of "then" But really grammer doens't matter as long as you just keep working on your chapters. even if its 10 minutes a day.

 Quoting: Onyxman

Bravo. I noticed 3 mistakes. 2 of them were st********ing and another was "ten" instead of "then" But really grammer doens't matter as long as you just keep working on your chapters. even if its 10 minutes a day.

Grammar might not matter, but I do like to see writers at least make use of the countless sources for checking their vocabulary. And it isn't as if there aren't already enough on the Internet alone... Someone post after me so I can correct this chapter. Solar, you never learnt to listen to me, it seems , so I'll be correcting your ass with the same kind of errors in your wake. Take for instance the first thing I always have to say: No full stops at the end of title!

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Bathing in eternal sunlight...

{Sig Made By SenileSkunk!}

 Quoting: AMAUNATOR_THE_REVEALER

Solar, you never learnt to listen to me, it seems

Which makes him different to everyone else how? Sorry, I'll read the chapter now...

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"Effortless superiority"

 Quoting: seeminglypointless

Which makes him different to everyone else how? Sorry, I'll read the chapter now...

You're quite right. I often feel apathetic to their clumsiness too, so I guess I deserve the drawback when I stick my foot in when I do start to care . Chapter 29: The unexpected attack. --> *Shivers and trembles.* No. full. stops. at. the. end. of. titles. Comprende? Savvy? ‘Burn him, boss!’ Was... -> was... ‘Return to Eden. Feel it once more. And when you do so, remember what’s within you, and what you are.’ That was what the voice had said. -> '...what you are,' that was... I knew the answer must have been very simple, but still… -> 'and yet...' would approach what you are trying to allude to better than 'but still...' Perhaps that rock was something else… And something far more sinister. -> lose the 'and' and capitalise the second something. What's with all the blank lines? Did you suddenly feel the urge to press enter? A story needs cohesion, not detachment. And if you were trying to convey that, then there are better ways that don't annoy the reader as much . I hoped none would face severe damage. -> 'to face damage' is not apt for this sentence. Try changing it. Also, the convenient thunder doesn't help you in any way . It's so cheesy and overused, I wish I could erase it from my brain already... godforsaken place -> god forsaken. The English don't do compounding of that kind, unlike the Dutch. I remember how in the past, heavily shielded buildings could still get hit -> remembered. You chose past tense, now stick to it . with entire pools of water on the floor -> explain to me how half a pool looks like, and would then be the average size of a pool... Other adjective(s) please. I think his face hadn’t been so straight moments before though. -> stop spoonfeeding us innuendo and hints, damnit. We're no children! I stepped forward, trying to keep my balance and blinded by the rain, when somebody collided with me. -> ...balance, blinded..., ... ‘Oh… Hi.’ I said lamely. -> 'Oh. Hi,' I said... ‘Err… I thought I should warn you that there was a storm going on…’ Irlana said... -> '...going on,' Irlana... ‘I just noticed.’ I said... -> '...noticed,' I said... I followed the movements of the creature as he flew upwards again, so that he could crash down and wreck even more damage. -> I'm guessing that should be a negative in that last sentence... I wasn’t done yet though. -> you really need to dig for better transitional sentences. The he saw it coming up... -> Then, I'm guessing. In that case 'Then, suddenly he saw...' would be more fitting. the thing he had dreaded so much rose high above the waters -> or your seafarer already knew this creature or he didn't. You suggest that he does, but I don't think that's intentional. he was moved to the mouth, to be eaten alive… -> moved suggests a rather smoothly and unhindered transition. The language can be a lot stronger in this part, really. This is not just a piddling octopus you can poke with a stick. It's big, menacing and gruesome. I do think it befits more than just one paragraph. You do so love writing long chapters, why not write that instead of all the transitional phrases? (If I'm being harsh or offensive: really, believe me, it's the only way to get you to respond . I expect high standards from you even if you don't .) ‘Do something!’ She screamed at him. -> she followed it’s movements -> its dieing sailors -> dying sailors I swung back my hand back -> lose the first back ‘Don’t do it, leader! That miracle is pure evil!’ Beardy and Demon had popped up... -> this implies that they both shout it at the same time, which doesn't fit Demon's demeanour as stated farther on. ‘I had no choice.’ I said flatly to Beardy -> '...no choice,' I said... I must say that you have a very laid-back and non-emotional style of writing, Solar. Very matter-of-fact and little depth to it as such . I would love to help you with this, because you need to be able to move the reader, which is impossible to do without emotion. Satire and wit is very effective when handled inconsequently, and prose, sure, but not epics and novels. I can only tell you to read books and try to decipher it for yourself. ‘For long enough, I hope.’ He said with a smile. -> '...I hope,' he said... ‘Will do.’ I said with a broad grin... -> 'Will do,' I said... and the other one was wounded mortally. -> mortally wounded The Doomlord glanced at person, who was standing there as though he was a statue. -> at the person And Onyxman did indeed notice some errors too. I do think they are already taken care of. Let's hope the next will be even better. Know that I do not only look at the bad, but also at the good. The story is very fluent and luckily the less important parts are not too detailed or drawn out, but at the price of underdetailing the important scenes, it seems. There's still a lot of progress to be made on all accounts, but you've already learnt much. Try to keep in touch with both what you have learnt and what you feel you should still learn. And if you feel that what I'm saying is not what you should learn, then feel free to discard it and say so (I don't want to bore you with unnecessary repetition). After all, you should develop your own style, I shouldn't be choosing it for you .

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Bathing in eternal sunlight...

{Sig Made By SenileSkunk!}

This thread died again, sorry if I'm wrong in resurrecting it but Solar you should know theres at least one fan out here that wants you to keep writing.

i've only read your first chapter and if you dont mind me saying this but it was rather, boring, God of the sun, fine, its about time we had a god of something, but that doesnt make him stronger than all the gods. You've contredicted yourself alot too, saying that your a good god yet you wont answer to your peoples prayers. Also, you are the goodest god yet your forms are them of fireballs, i dont get whether your god is really good or your just saying hes good. He destroys other gods, last time i read a fanfic good gods didnt destroy other gods. Whats with the obsetion with Nemesis, i used the name for my god, read the next chapter of a fanfic and he ended up being bad, is he the bad guy on Black and white or is everyone just obsesed with the name. My apologies if any of that offends you and i have het to read the rest. The spelling and gramma is very good but the first chapter wasnt that great. I'll read the second chapter and make my decition whether to continue reading or not. Again im sorry if you feel offended by any of this and im sure you've done a good job on the rest of the chapters.

Shut up and read the whole story. You can't judge it by reading the first chapter. That's like saying "I had the feeling to have sex, but it was boring so I didn't have sex.."

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Dude! solar's story rocks! the first chapter might not be teh best.................................but it rocks

im not judging them on the first chapter, im commenting on the first chapter, and dont tell me to shut up, its my opi nion and i will give it when i think it is needed, im not commenting on anything you have written so if anyones going to tell me to shut up, its solar and not as harsh as that.

Dude... You clearly said that you were judging the story by the first couple of chapters...

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i didnt, i said that i would read the second chapter and then think about whether to read on or not. the beguining is hard but if you get it right it makes the story more appealing. Sorry dude but thats my opinion, other people clearly think different and i will read the second chapter, but if everyones going to have a go at me for giving my opinion then i just wont read it because people clearly dont want me to.

Sorry.. I was already steamed when I read that.. I would recommend that you read on, if you have the time to spare. Look at the last chapter. Solar began great with his first story, and if he's ending it here, he ended it even better.. By each chapter the story gets better..

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ok, i'll read on, i was hopeing it got better and the first chapter is always the hardest, which makes it the worsed of all the chapters. Thanks for understanding and i shall read on and hopefully enjoy every word.

i've noticed Solar that you are getting other people to create gods, is there room for one more or dont you need one, anyway i'll write his stats and you can decide. Name: Kharma, god of kindly justice and brother to Nemesis (nemesis means revenge) Aligment: Neuteral, Not but slightly good Personality: Will help any mortal who needs it but is wary of other gods, He tents to try to use peace instead of war but if he has to fight he will and will use everything in his godly arson (water, Meteor, shield and heal miricles, plus hurracan epic). Creature: Dark grey wolf named deathbiter Creature aligment: neuteral, likes to fight when people get too close and is a very skilled fighter. He posesses the miricles Lightning and heal. he also like to build buildings and is loyal to his master and no-one else. Also very causious of others. Strength: Very powerful, equal to his brother Nemesis, but doesnt use his power against nueteral cities or gods. Rank:Independent, doesnt trust any other god because of his brother so tends to not help or need help from them. Short escription of past: his brother Nemesis feeds of peoples suffering and loves revenge the evil way. Nemesis grew in strength through evil deeds and godly alliances, Making Kharma slightly weaker but very able to beat his brother.

Actually, a nemsis is an opponent or rival whom a person cannot best or overcome.

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